"Ok, folks. I am doing it and only have a very rusty grade 5 Piano (ended up after six years of lessons only being able to play a John Mayall’s Blues song and badly after too many drinks!) so be VERY ENCOURAGED, people, because if this particular writer can cobble together her FIRST MUSICAL so can you!"
Fear not. In terms of musical education, Grade 5 Piano puts you somewhere in between Lionel Bart and Leonard Bernstein. And remember - it can't be wrong if you write it in capitals.
"Step one: wait until the dead of night in your darkened bedroom (must be pitch black) and drag your phone to your ear and press the ‘record’ button. Step Two: Get into the character you are creating for – in my case ‘RUMPY PUMPY!’ ‘s main character, Holly, a Brothel owner) and think yourself IN. Step three, get under that duvet so husband and lurking teens in nearby bedrooms can’t hear you and start to warble away – one note after another – into your record section of your phone. Step three: Banish all those demons and lurking critics in your head and GO FOR IT -sing a note, sing two, sing three. Does it sound shite? Maybe, but that doesn’t matter – onwards, mon brave! Step Four: Just force out the notes, they will come, I promise! This particular writer has a rusty/coffee-stained voice so you can imagine that my croaking is anything but effective but you must FORCE yourself to believe in your ability to COMPOSE!"
Not for some an education in the finer points of the centuries-developed Western tonal system. Just believe.
"Now ‘Compose’ is a very weighty word which scares the living daylights out of most of us – it certainly did me! – but press on. Agreed, this darkened duvet crazy way of creating is certainly not for the feint hearted, but as said, if Barbara Jane Mackie can write a Musical so can you! Be brave. Step Five: play back the few notes – maybe just four or five in sequence – that you have recorded and reflect. Shite or semi-shite or … ok-ish? If ok-ish, pat yourself on the back and think of some lyrics to match your warblings – this can help the process, believe me – and then do another RECORD. Be brave – do it! How does it sound now? Like a tune? If you have a tune, then you are technically a composer and pour yourself a large brandy and go to sleep, dreaming dreams of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Oscar glory!"
Well, you've got to admire her pluck. And I do.
But it's also a reminder that musicals, unlike opera, are for everyone. Few would ever feel capable of writing an opera, but a musical? Why not? The book is just talking, the lyrics are just talking in rhyme and the music is just tunes you can hum. Let's have a crack.
It's tempting to be cynical about such an attitude but, in truth, I'm envious. Some of us are too prone to endless analysis about things like structure, form, style and the scopo- and audio-philic significance of Michael Crawford. In the end, musical theatre is a practical art; more to be done than to be thought about.
Ultimately, as per Ms Mackie, to write a musical - absurd idea that it is - requires a certain amount of belief or, at least, deliberate self-delusion. Which reminds me of tennis.
Famously grumpy player-turned-pundit John McEnroe was commenting on a Wimbledon match. One of the players had just lost a point and was complaining about it to the umpire. "Absolutely right," said Macca. "You blame the umpire, you blame the net, you blame the ball boy. You have to, otherwise you end up blaming yourself and then you're finished."
I paraphrase. But the point is that perhaps a large amount of belief in your own ability is necessary to be a professional sports person. Sometimes, when the chips are down, you need to protect that belief even to the extent of deliberately deluding yourself simply to get you through the next point. I wonder if it's the same with writing a musical.
Now, if you'll excuse me. I must find a duvet to hide under.
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